• Alcohol

Alcohol is OK in moderation, but I don't want to see anyone pissed out of their brain and playing. Remember that if anything stupid happens and medical attention is needed, it can be anything from an hour's bumpy drive to a half day's LONG, rough, ride down a rugged fire trail to get anywhere near a town and get help. There is no room for irresponsible behaviour. No definite mobile phone coverage either. And I don't want to be stuck with a moron who's just broken their ribs because they got drunk and fell out of a tree - I've got better things to do with my time.

• Convoy Procedure

Once you've left the last traces of civilisation behind and you're off the street directory, it's necessary to keep everyone heading in the right direction. All vehicles will adhere to convoy procedure. See the explanation of Convoy Procedure on the Glossary page if you don't know how this works. I don't mind if you zoom past me on the freeway and get to the next town an hour before I do, but once we get off the beaten track, it's strictly convoy procedure until we get to our final destination. If you ignore this procedure and get lost, don't expect anyone to come looking for you.

• Departure Time

Whether you're going to be travelling with the main convoy from the nominated meeting point, or meeting us at the departure point down the road, you MUST be ready to leave at the nominated time. Give yourself some extra time to deal with traffic. Getting there a little early is always a good idea. If you find yourself falling behind schedule, a courtesy phone call on the mobile is a good way of letting us know what's happening.

Illegal Substances

No drugs will be permitted. If I catch anyone abusing this rule, I'll personally stick a bicycle pump up your backside and break out the liquid nitrogen. Drugs are the one thing that will instantly make you persona non grata with me on an ad infinitum basis, which means you ain't never coming back, Jack. You want to do that sort of stuff, do it at your place, not on my tours.


In the event of your getting stuck, you will follow the instructions of myself or another VETAB-accredited driver during the recovery operation. Also, keep in mind that although there might be several VETAB-accredited drivers from our group of regular attendees along on your particular trek, I still have the final say, and I will veto anything that I think isn't safe. DO NOT improvise or try things if you don't know what you're doing - we want to make sure the vehicle is recovered and that no-one is injured or killed during the process. If you're using your own recovery gear, it will be inspected to make sure that it is rated BEFORE you will be allowed to use it. If it isn't rated, it won't be permitted, end of story. And if you think I'm being heavy on this subject, you're right. If you want to know why, then next time you see me, ask me about the two idiots with the Jeep Wranglers (one per idiot) that I rescued minutes apart in July of 2004 when I was holidaying up at Station Creek on the far north coast of NSW.


Whether you're coming along for the first time, or you're a veteran, the one thing I will INSIST on is that you RSVP if you're intending to come along on a trek. I need to know who's coming along to get things organised properly, and also it's a matter of courtesy and respect: even though you might have been up to a location (wherever it happens to be) before, I'm still running the show. If you just decide to show up at the destination without taking the courtesy of notifying me, you won't be seeing my warm and fuzzy side. These tours are a team activity. I don't think it's too much to ask that you check-in with me, considering how much effort I put into organising all of this.

and finally...

This is the standard disclaimer bit:

"In coming along on a trek, you hereby acknowledge that nobody is liable for any loss or damage that might be incurred in any form or degree outside of what is enforceable by the laws in the relevant Australian state where the trek is taking place.

This is not a paid, guided tour operation where we book your motel room, organise your breakfast, and deliver your morning paper (hell, that's what subbies are for).

If somebody dings your vehicle with theirs, take it up with the relevant insurance companies. If you drive over a cliff, don't blame anyone but yourself. If you decide to go riding a horse naked (you that is, the horse is always naked) and fall off and land in a wombat hole, whereupon you're sodomised by a feral rabbit whilst a wild goat nibbles your genitalia off, no-one will be held responsible, although you could try and sue the goat. If your car is pummeled to death by an over-sexed bull that hasn't 'gotten any' in a long time, then bad luck.

As long as you remember where you are and exercise common sense, you won't have any problems. These treks are made possible by my efforts to find and organise suitable locations, and the generosity of others involved.

Any idiots will be instantly and unceremoniously ejected and not invited back. Ever."


OK, there, that's the heavy bit. I hope you'll enjoy the 4WD BDSM Getaway! Weekends.